Learning to deal with relationship anxiety
““The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. They must be felt with the heart.” ”
Connection is one of our basic needs. For many people to have a relationship is the purest expression of their humanity, an opportunity to have a shared experience, whether intimate or otherwise, which leads to profound fulfilment.
It's rare for someone not to want to be in relationship, but if that is the case it is probably because their spiritual path has taken them to the point where there is a completeness when alone, that a relationship might be an obstruction to their consciousness, and there is no need to participate in the world. This monastic approach is not for everyone.
Everything in the relative world is in relationship
Everything in the relative world is in relationship - when I meet you my individuality is in relationship with you, my thoughts, feelings and sensations are all activated. When we look at nature we can see that everything is harmoniously co-existing, that mutually beneficial dynamics are in play. Mutualism is a relationship in which each individual benefits from the activity of the other and this is when relationships grow and develop.
Despite knowing and understanding this why do relationships cause us so much anguish?
A fundamental mistake is thinking that a relationship will make us complete. If we believe we are 'lacking' we might think that someone else can fill in the gaps and make us whole, that together we make up for each others deficiencies. If I see myself as incomplete I will attract others who see me as someone who needs to be completed, and in turn whenI will give them my incompleteness they are completed. Inevitably a time will come when feeling fulfilled will stop because the incompleteness on both sides has been made good. That will lead to profound discontent and a change in the dynamic of the relationship.
Projecting our expectations
Often we will repeat relationships with the same 'type' of person not realising that what we think is a good fit is proving time after time not to be the case. Projecting our expectations adds an unnecessary tension, as they are often never met. 'I will be happy when I am in relationship with this (clever, kind, wealthy, funny, etc. - you fill in the gap) type of person'. At first what we see appears to be exactly what we need, but time will show other aspects, which usually reflect the true nature of the other person.
A relationship is off to a rocky start if there is no surrender of preferences from both sides. If I am prepared to forgo my yoga class to take you up on your offer to see the latest movie (which I'm not interested in) I have given up my preference in order to have a shared experience, which might lead to good things. If I am not prepared to be flexible at the beginning of a relationship, or even later on, conflict will arise and I will have to ask myself what is really important to me - what I want to do or what we could do together. If the other person takes the same approach of surrendering preferences then good things will start to happen and the shared experiences will enliven the foundation of our relationship.
Learning to let go
We often trip ourselves up by having a rigid attachment to expectations. Learning to let go of desired outcomes, with a specific timeline, will create a friction-free flow. What we want will happen only if it is fully supported by the force of nature. Ignoring the resistance and signs, subtle or overt, and forcing it will only lead to disappointment and suffering. When we are disappointed by the way a relationship is evolving we are absolving ourselves of responsibility. We have total responsibility for how the relationship works. If we chose to ignore or deny what is evident we are bound to suffer. Inappropriately assigned expectations will also cause pain. We have to put in place our expectations and communicate them, setting boundaries in the process. Tell the other person how you want to be loved - if we don't express them we have no right to be disappointed.
Many years ago whilst in a long term relationship, I made the error, after some time, of settling for a mediocre/compromised approach, which led to resentment. If I had fully honoured my self-belief and fine level of feeling I would not have spent over ten years living a lie. Ultimately the realisation that what I thought was good for everyone else but was not, made me take action.
Boundaries change and grow as we develop and if we acknowledge this in ourselves and in others we won't find ourselves in a compromised position. Relationships, both intimate and platonic, can become irrelevant. There is a moment when they have served their purpose and no longer have any useful value. That is the moment when we lovingly and compassionately move on.
All relationships reflect what we bring to them and reflect back our truth.
Start loving ourselves
We have to start by loving ourselves and like all relationships, this becomes the most intimate format for growth. It's easy to be by yourself when there is no challenge and you can do whatever you want whenever you want.
We will only know the answer when we ask ourselves 'Is what I am experiencing inside of any value?' when we express it outside.
When we set a benchmark of applying the greatest care and love for ourselves we can expect the same of the other, but the key to ensuring this happens is communication.
When my parents celebrated 60 years of marriage I asked them what was the secret. Without a moment's hesitation, my father replied: 'TLC - but not the TLC you're thinking of - Tender Loving Care. For us it is Tolerance, Laughter and Communication.'
I never saw my parents argue and very seldom disagree. There was a deep understanding of themselves and the other and they never took each other for granted.
To start this process we acknowledge and recognise our humanity, with all its cracks and dents, and then look out to see someone else who shows theirs. Inevitably there is an element of vulnerability when doing this, which is often thought of as a sign of weakness but I would argue that it's actually the opposite - it's a sign of strength. To no longer ignore, but face head on our shortcomings is a great start. That self-audit means that there is nothing to hide from ourselves or others, and that we are always behaving truthfully, with our integrity intact.
When we love our shortcomings, and rejoice in our quirks and idiosyncrasies, we will always be moving forward. A great way to get this self-audit going is to take time for yourself to reflect. Meditation will give you the opportunity to develop a compassionate non-judgemental space where issues get gently eased and then dispelled. I have practised Vedic Meditation for many decades and have experienced a shift in my relationship with myself and with the world. There has been no drama - just very gentle and incremental. By regularly taking time out to rest deeply in my least excited state I am able to go beyond thought to the point where I am fully connected with the essence of my being. The purity of this experience which is achieved by simply turning my attention inwards, makes me fulfilled. I am experiencing unadulterated bliss. Frequent contact with this state of consciousness means that when I open my eyes I can take it out into the world and everything is friction-free.
It's is the quality of our lives that determines the quality of all our relationships.